Am I a Mutant Freak?

A flashback post from SpiritOfTheNight which was published May 30, 2002.

I set up this column with Ringman, the Backwash founder, in secrecy. In fact, I’ve been around Backwash about a year on and off. I write another column over in original Backwash. But, I didn’t feel comfortable coming out about my BDSM side. There are a lot of stereotypes for women. Things a nice girl does and doesn’t do. Nice girls get treated like nice girls and those other girls, well, they’re just sluts aren’t they?

At one point in my life I thought I was going to die a virgin. I was over 30 when I had sex with a real live human male. I actually took my own cherry with a vibrator I bought in an adult store and I was in my later 20’s then. Even that had to happen when I was thousands of miles away from home.

Not that my Mother was/ is someone prim and proper. Heck, I was her second pregnancy and she was 20 when I was born. The first pregnancy was aborted. If it hadn’t been for that kid’s being aborted I wouldn’t be here today. Mom told me that she didn’t want to abort a second baby so she married my Dad. My Dad is a jerk most of the time, I’ve always thought she should have run while she could.

Anyway, that’s all getting way off the topic. I grew up as a nice girl in a middle class neighborhood in the suburbs of a very large city. Sex wasn’t something taboo but we weren’t about to open up a bordello for a bit of extra income either. You get the idea.

I was a virgin for so long because I didn’t meet any guy I wanted to get naked with. You are pretty vulnerable at that point. My Dad spent a lot of years heaping emotional abuse on me, mainly about how I looked. That didn’t make me feel better about myself and I often loaded up on goodies to make up for it. So, by the time I was 20 I was chubby, had less than perfect skin and any time I might have a bit of self esteem it would be blown to bits when ever I looked at movies, magazines and all the other places “they” tell us we should all look like air brushed photos of skeletal women.

So, dropping my drawers was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do to attract the opposite sex. I think I choose my husband as my first (and only) lover because he was someone who felt a lot like I did. We were both virgins. But, if anyone asks me what the hottest sex I have ever had was, that was it! To be touched so reverently, cautiously, it made me feel like a goddess- priceless, valued and very sexy. Of course, that’s all dust in the wind now.

Anyway, am I a mutant freak? Does anyone else have kinky fantasies or better yet, kinky sex? Does it turn you on to think of being seduced? Do you have rape fantasies? Do you think it would be fun to tie up a strong man and have your way with him? Or do you really, secretly just want to be Daddy’s little girl?

Three Women & Breast Cancer

This was the last column by The Unholy Trinity. (Published March 14, 2005.)

It’s been a long time. We’ve been busy. And, let’s be honest, the geographical split tends to make meetings less frequent. But here’s the story of our latest gathering…

We are all together, just the three of us, and it’s the first real time we’ve had La Rox (now to be called by her real name, Kat) alone.

GK: Take off the wig, & show me the baby bird head!

Kat giggles & a bit shyly, takes off the pretty faux hair.

GK: Oh, my, it’s long!

Gracie, who has not seen Kat sans hair yet, says: Long?

Amidst laughter, GK says: Seriously, it has grown! Her head looked like a baby bird’s head last time I was here! Now it looks like hair. Very short hair, but hair!

Kat making a gesture as if flinging long locks of hair says: Yes, it’s such a pain in the ass to do! And I do so need my roots touched up.

The three of us hug & giggle. Then we head for Kat’s kitchen table, where our coats are removed, and cigs are produced. Each of us sits in our usual spots: Kat near the fridge, with her back to it, GK directly across from her, and Gracie ‘in the middle’ at the side.

Commence smoking & begin scene:

Kat (eyes all light-up like Christmas): I got my first tat, wanna see?

Silence as GK & Gracie exchange blinks, silently asking the other if they knew of this…

Kat: Well? Do ya?

Gracie recovers first: Why weren’t we invited to the ceremony? as she get up & moves towards Kat

Kat pulls at the neckline of her tee, and exposes 4 little blue dots.

GK: Oh, from the radiation.

Slight awkward pause as GK & Gracie are approaching an alien world…

Kat: It was very cool how you obtain these tho. It’s like a laser light show. there you are, naked from the waist up, lying on this rock-like table, with your arms above your head. They turn down the lights, play soothing music, and the show begins. These lasers, comin’ out of the wall and ceiling, make a grid of the radiation fields all over your boob and chest. With the guidance of these lasers, the mark the spot, and do the tat. Then, when you actually go in for treatment, ya lay on the table, they line the lasers up to the tats..and then zap ya!

GK & Gracie are both a bit silent. Each have their own silent thoughts. It’s a rare time that we don’t share everything… but we are now, so there!

Seriously, Kat’s story makes her battle with breast cancer sound like a lights show at a concert. It’s so surreal to us. One of them mumbles something about ‘pretty lights’ and ‘did they pass you a joint?’

Kat seems not to notice the silence of the other two. It’s not that it’s a long silence, but for women so fast & furious with the verbiage, and in their own minds (filled with other thoughts), it seems to quiet.

For the other two women are filled with fears.

Typical women fears. They fear the loss of a friend, though they have mostly worked through that, & Kat’s looking so good, they really don’t think they will ever loose her. But, deep inside, in a dark place, one not only filled with personal fear but shame as well, the two women fear breast cancer themselves.

They are not proud of this, this thinking of themselves when their beloved is the one in need. But it’s real. And while they know that their Kat would understand (not just because she loves them & knows they are not such self-involved idiots, but because she’s a woman too, & before cancer attacked her, she had the same feelings herself), they are ashamed of themselves.

Suddenly, or at least to her, Gracie blurts out: So, let’s see that breast.

Kat sits for a minute & says: You really want to see it?

GK sits, near tears — is this too rude even for friends as close at this?

Kat, feeling a bit embarrassed, but also proud of her battle scars, thinks to herself, why not show them. It may put some of their fears to rest. It’s not as bad as they think..so she smiled shyly and said, “sure, come on.”

Though alone in the otherwise empty house, the trio tramps off to the bathroom. Kat takes off her tee.

GK & Gracie look. They take in the blue dots, the dent of flesh, the scars… Sighs of relief from both women (who were likely holding their breath, tho they didn’t quite realize nor do they remember fully) Why it looks great! said Gracie

GK: Yes, oh my God, yes!

Both girls have tears of relief in their eyes. For her the damages are not nearly as horrifying as they imagine — even her radiated skin looks, well, normal.

Along with the tears they feel their cheeks heated with flushes of shame too. For how dare they say it looks good, when it is obvious Kat has lost so much, and still fights…

Kat seems relieved also. And again, proud of her battle scars. She knows now that some of those fears her ladies had are now laid to rest. That this horrible beast did not do as much damage as they once believed.

Kat grabs both breasts and pushes them together as she laughingly says: I still have tits, and cleavage, if I do this!

Gracie & GK are a bit overwhelmed by her giddiness — but who can not be charmed by such a happy woman?

Kat begins a story: Ah, this reminds me of hubby & I in here the other night…

Both girls pretend to be horrified – they giggle & pretend to protest hearing of a ‘husband & wife having relations’ story (as if they don’t share that stuff *all* the time!)

Kat begins to describe the application of lotion, done by hubby dearest, to the areas of radiation:

“Good God, so he is in here rubbing this lotion all over my upper back, and he reaches around and grabs both of my breasts..gently fondling them. I smile and laugh, because sometimes it just plain tickles. I proceed to put my hands over his and tell him to look, that I still have cleavage if I do this. (I start jiggling my breasts and contorting them into different shapes, mashing them together, then pushing one up, the other down) Hubby just starts laughing his ass off, says I’m nuts, and leaves the bathroom.

I guess in all honesty, I was just trying to convince myself, and him, that with a little padding here and there, and some manipulation, my breasts will look like they did before, especially when I’m wearing some of my lower cut tops. When bare tho, they’ll never look like they did before. But I accept that, for when you’re given the choice between a nice rack and life, well, I think all women would pick life. Plus, there is always the option of reconstruction, which I opted out of. I like my lopsided, non-lumpy boobs!”

All three women are laughing. Who can’t laugh at a good story about breast play? Especially when it is acted out? *wink*

But mainly all three are laughing out of relief, they are laughing with hope: – Soon, soon, their gatherings will return to ‘normal.’

Whatever that means.

Links to previous favorite columns by The Unholy Trinity:

Dear Unholy…

Toys, Boys & Oiys ~ Oh My!

The Tangled Limbs & Lives De-Myth-defied?