This piece, by Un, was published Friday, September 10, 2004, at Adult Backwash.
Have you ever been so low, for so long, that you knew there was no way but up, for the first time in your life, and that only scared the shit out of you? The thought of actually moving, even if it was the dream of ‘up,’ gives a paralysis that only the experienced can know.
Have you ever been so low, for so long, that the thought of leaving your dark gloomy cave was more threat than promise? What if you reached down for that last bit of strength, mustered the will to try, and you made it? You went to a place where you could at least see ‘happy,’ or the smell of it would waft to your nose, what then? Would it all just be taken away again anyway? Or would it be worse.
Have you ever been so low, for so long, that in your misery you felt a safety in the lack of the threat that more would be dumped upon you? Your wish is only to remain hidden from the sight of gods who only see you as a plaything for ways of punishment.
Have you ever been so low, for so long, that it is better to stay where you are? Your life as a mouse in a hole, full of your own excrement, with nothing to eat but the walls & the aforementioned shit, was at least safe from the cat lurking outside the door. Yes, you missed the warmth of the sun. Yes, the promise of fresh food, of running on green grass or plush carpeting was divine. But what about the cat? If not the cat, what about the traps? The poisoned peanut butter? What if you made one remarkable run across the plush green carpet to the lush green grass outside, only to be battered by hurricanes, carried off by a hawk? Bliss would be instant death, but you know better. No ingestion, just some scars & a nasty long drop…
Have you ever been so low, for so long, that the only thing that sustained you was fear? The good news is, fear is everywhere. You fear to hope. You fear to dream. You fear cats, traps, hawks, winds, cars, & even writing.
Have you ever been so low, for so long?